Part 1 to my dissertation on men

I started writing about life, books, the works. But then, realised that my post was drifting towards... men. And to top it all, just saw a new commercial that I HAVE to talk about. So then, me thunk, why not a post on men. Men make happy, men make grief. So here is to New Man.

Case 1: My friend The Other S is one man who is a typical example. Not necessarily a picture of equal-rights-for-women, but the bestest friend I've got. Having known him for about a decade now (and keeping track of all the ethnicities that he has dated), I have a fair idea of the kind of a lover he is.

A typical conversation with him is almost always in the zone of insanity.

TOS: See the thing is you need to know how to make the best of what you've got
Me: Ok...

TOS: I have given every woman the best of what I have... each time
Me: and how do you know that you did well... um on each date?

TOS: See... your performance report card comes in the next morning when the girl lovingly makes you breakfast
Me: Ha ha... can't believe what I am hearing

TOS: Yeah man... how did you think I got by in the UK with the pittance that I got as my salary?
Me: (by now laughing hysterically) And each time you will eat your fill for the day?

TOS: of course

But in his defence: he is the only man who I will call up at any time of the night and expect to get a good hearing. He has consistently hated any man I have shown any interest in but has given me the sturdiest shoulder to cry on. And best of all: from the day we first met till now, he has always called me gorgeous :)

Case 1.1: This same man and I have not been talking for the last couple of months.

He has been having visa issues because of which he is stuck here, much against his will. Given that I have been through such periods of life – being without employment, with family, with ten thousand people asking me, 'Beta, what are you planning to do with your life?', I knew it was best to let him be and not to pester too much.

A couple of weeks ago when we spoke, he said he finally found some work... and wanted to 'take me out'. And then the realization dawned on me. He wanted to pay at the restaurants that we go to! I mean holy fuck – who would have thought that that was what was bugging him.

I mean – I don't fucking care who pays – but for men, it becomes an issue. Most of the time when out with friends – depending on the number – if small, I pay, if more than 3, we go Dutch.

Case 2: the case of the commercial for the new age man.

Remember 'cold cream' ads: typically come in winters in India. Typical ad: girl sitting. Guy comes and touches cheek. Cheek is parched. Guy withdraws hand. Girl feels miserable. Tadaa: here is blah blah cream. Girl applies cream. Guy comes and touches cheek. Cheek feels soft and girl feels good and smiles.

Now replace the girl with the guy and the guy with the girl... hee hee hee..

I laughed hysterically when I saw the man smiling coyly.

Now more ego for men? Imagine now this conversation ensues between a couple...

Man: I don't want to hear of it woman!
Woman: but this is for your own good!

Man: what do women know anyway about the skin?
Women: but... but...

Man: Silence! Men have better/ smoother/ shinier/ blemish free skin... don't want to hear anymore! This is a man's domain you are trying to encroach!!

Tee hee hee

Case 3: Life does come a full circle I figured a few months ago. And as my mother says – you get your opportunities and pay for your deeds in this one life.

An ex had been the subject of much of my bitching on this blog. Around last year when I sent in a birthday note to him (yeah... even I don't understand myself), we started to talk again. But I was very conscious about things having changed. Even though we still got along like a house on fire, both made conscious efforts to stay out of each others’ paths.

And then The Other A and The Other S all starting out to jibe... you mean you are talking to him again? But I guess there was a purpose to all of this. In one of the many nightly sessions, both under the influence of alcohol, we went back to what happened, and why things disintegrated. And I finally blurted out all that I had always wanted to tell him but wasn't able to out of fear. And above all, that I feared him. My appreciation to him for having heard out everything like a gentleman.

Couple of months ago he said he is getting married. I congratulated him on Gtalk (thank god for online communication where 'real' feelings can be expressed through multiple smileys and exclamation marks). It felt tad weird.

Then I did what was the most inevitable and predictable: I called up The Other S

Hey... how did it feel when your ex-gf got married?
I was relieved.

Umm.. ok... but anything else?
Why? Who is getting married?

I was just talking to … he said he is getting married
Good riddance

I really think you should learn to like people I like more... you never seem to like anyone
Yeah... that's because they are all so exceptionally nice to you.

I don't know... it feels weird... in fact, I don't know what to feel
Yeah... I get the feeling... just chill and pity the girl he is getting married to

Nah... I am sure he is a better person now
Yeah yeah whatever... such people never change

...let's see... how does it feel? I don't know? Borderline scary. But largely indescribable...

But since then, most of my negative emotions towards him have melted away... something about him leading a normal life that does it I guess.

I have stopped talking to him since then. It is only fair to the chick he is getting married to. I wouldn't like it if my spouse was spending hours talking to some chick from his past. So that's that.

Now then, I could go on for hours... and devote an entire blog purely on deciphering men... but sigh...

These days men have become weird... they actually have feelings and emotions and god knows what else... who would have thought men could actually feel??